I. CAN. DO. THIS.
That is my new Mantra.
How can I have allowed my “Avoidance” issues to have clouded my life for so long? Is it self sabotage? I still don’t understand. But I need to separate all the dreams I want to achieve vs all the worries/anxieties that hold me back.
In 6 weeks I embark on our Europe adventure, I have never travelled with a travel partner, I think it will be an adventure trip of a lifetime.
BRING. IT. ON.
As I write this, I am sitting watching a women’s tennis game from Wimbledon. I think Serena Williams just won.
Tuesday night is social tennis night with the girls (we are advanced beginners I guess you could say) so, rather than explaining to the girls that I had a date tonight and couldn’t make it, I instead chose to message A* and asked for a raincheck on our date and to defer it to another night.
I was playing well until my final service game . I was serving well but the other girls started returning my serve so that it was impossible for me to reach it (there are only 3 of us so we play 2 vs 1). My heart started to sink, about how I couldn’t return their returns, about how I was not as skinny or fit as them, how they were mean and purposefully making shots that I could never ever return and why did I chose to play tennis with them instead of going on a date with A*.
Seriously, I must be PMSing because my emotions quickly started to nose dive. While playing tennis I started worrying about not studying enough for this upcoming exam, about how my compulsive hoarding could affect my ability to have friends and/or lovers, about how I can’t fit a lot of dating into my schedule, about how my desk and car are not clean, about my general love life failures etc etc.
After tennis, while getting in the car, I lamented that the other girls were too selfish to wait while I dropped the key off (actually, they did end up waiting) and then a song came on the radio and I started to cry.
Wow. Calendar check - yes, I am probably PMSing. After all of this progress that I have made, I can’t let these temporary irrational thoughts bring me down. So, I came home, studied the chapter I planned to study and in between washed two sink loads of dishes proving to myself that, even while PMSing and free falling, I can still get a handle on all of this crazy anxiety shenanigans.
NEXT.
My first date last Thursday with A* went well - it included a kiss on the cheek and a 2nd quick kiss on the lips (ooah). The 3rd man ever to kiss me on the lips. And I just got an SMS an hour ago for a 2nd date for tomorrow night (Tuesday). Wow, I don’t think I have ever been on a 2nd date…
The first date was a “surface” date, I did reveal some small, revealing things and was honestly surprised when he requested a second date. Although I like to think of myself as intelligent, I thought he might think I was too “simple” for his tastes. Having grown up in a housing commission fibro and my consquent chosen adult life of simplicity, low spending and low maintenance seemed to be against some things he talked about in his lifestyle, but I do have a 2nd date nonetheless. I have some small doubts, but I think (hope) he is a nice guy. I think this 2nd date will require me to be more open about who I am and what I want, so that I don’t waste his time and he can move on if I am too oppositional to who he is.
P.S. He has nice eyes.
The other guy I have been IMing with, M*, stuffed me around once again. A date = a day+ time + location. If I ask you 3 times for the exact time and you don’t respond, forget it. And then at the last minute you try to change the suburb location? I guess he is used to being a free spirit or he is married and only asks for meetups when the wife’s back is turned… He seems like the type of person who lives life spontaneously, without a schedule, which is pretty much the exact opposite of me. I need a schedule to manage my anxiety, I can’t handle immediate spontaneity. Press pause on this one.
Thirdly, I received an email from N* who I also met at speed dating. It is a generic email but nice to receive it nonetheless. I am honestly a little bit scared of this guy. During the 6 minute speed date, my dead brother was brought up and he related it to a widowed ex girlfriend he had. He delved much deeper than surface level on a speed date. It is somewhat scary to consider that he could unwrap my complicated layers so quickly, but at the same time it’s intriguing that he is more of a deep thinker than the other guys I met at speed dating.
A* is 38yo to my 36yo, however N* is 42yo to my 36yo which is OK as I decided that anyone below my crush RDJ’s 44yo was fair game 
So, as we come to the end of June 2009, it is time to look at how the business of Me Inc. has performed in the first 6 months of this year.
I guess what I want to mostly talk about is that, one week after my speed dating dalliance, I went on a real life date with a real life man. A date that started with a drink and then carried onto dinner. A date in which I talked, sounded interested and made small talk to keep the conversation going. A date that went pretty smoothly. A date.
So that is a pretty good summary of the first half of the 2009 financial year for Me Inc.
I can’t wait to find out what the 2nd half of 2009 has in store for Me Inc.
This week has been monumentally busy and important.
Firstly, I was informed that my Landlord wanted to inspect my apartment so I literally had 4 days to clean up my messy apartment ,from top to toe, so that I would appear to be normal and pass his inspection. How exhausting. I spent hours upon hours, well into the night, cleaning and uncluttering, and I literally didn’t sleep at all last night, spending my supposed sleeping hours thinking about the hours I could have been cleaning…
Without any sleep at all last night, I have felt so exhausted and nauseous all day.
Secondly, as you may know, I attended my first speed dating event on Wednesday night, and the main thoughts that have stuck with me since are that 1) the American guy who is very enigmatic is a player and 2) the dreaded question from the guy who asked me how long had it been since my previous relationship, upon which I answered…. “Never….. Do I win?”
Ugh. How do I even explain to normal people who I am in a 6 minute “date”? Me vs Normal people is a never win situation. I must remember that I don’t need everyone to love me, just a couple will do.
And, thirdly, to this morning’s dentist session. It was to be the last session to finish off my monumental root canal/crown, but I informed my dentist that the problem tooth was fine but that, as I was eating almonds a few week’s prior, a completely separate and random tooth had chipped and that it required a filling.
Ugh. Another tooth broken. Due to my poor diet or poor tooth care?
I had bearly explained to my dentist what had happened to the new tooth when the wave hit. The emotions of how much a failure I was, to not look after my teeth, of how much a failure I was to never have had a relationship…
Wow. My voice didn’t crack, but the tears silently rolled down my teeth during the hospital visit.
Tonight was my first attempt at Speed Dating. I walked in the door, found my name tag, grabbed a glass of champagne and literally started shaking (but not crying). Wow, this is a room full of single men and women who want to date and have sex.
A knight in shining armour, with an American accent, came to my rescue and introduced himself and kept me occupied with conversation. He said he had to rescue the sexy or beautiful girl (I can’t remember but it was some kind of complement). Soon the speed dating would begin.
All the tables were chosen by more experienced speed dating lasses, so I ended up with a stool in the middle of the room… There were 14 guys, I ended up ticking yes to 8 and no to 6.
There was a range of guys from about 35 to 45, the older guys were pretty much no go for me and got a tick for no, except for the last guy. I immediately thought no, he laboured too much on the topic of my dead brother but, after time was up, he said he can be anything from a bogan to a posh guy. He asked me my age (36) and told me that he was 42.
Who else stood out?
There was an Aussie Asian guy who was a bit standoffish but charming. He is a GP. He is a gamer. He asked me about computer games. I would like to know more but am worried about the stand-offish-ness
There was a guy who travelled a lot, backpacking and the like. He was all liberal and worldly and all about the “different”. We connected well until he asked about my last relationship, apparently the record in the room was “6 years ago”. Wow. Tough Q for a first 6 minute conversation. “Um, I’ve never had a serious relationship, so I guess I win that competion…?”. How do I come back from that.? I felt myself falling, tearing up, breaking down, withdrawing. What am I doing here with all these normal people?
“Why?” “Because I’m shy?” Tough. Tough. Tough. 6 minute conversation and this comes up. I tried to bring it round, I try to continue to the conversation, but I think this “different” man finds me too different from his absolute normalness. Anyway, I ended up ticking yes because maybe he will understand my situation, or maybe it is too hard and he won’t, either way, I am a good person and if he chooses no because I don’t fit the normal spectrum of his different life, then so be it.
There was a mainland Chinese guy. He was very shy and somewhat personality less, but a good guy. I decided to tick yes because he, at least would appreciate my shyness, but perhaps not my normalness.
The American. 2nd time around he was oh so familiar, the conversation flowed, I felt he was so into me. I talked about my trip to USA, he said “Let’s leave now, go to a bar and just chat you and I”, and I fell for it. Until the Aussie Asian guy said another girl had called my American guy creepy and I turned around to see him sleezing over another girl. PLAYER. Later I saw him getting phone numbers off another two girls. PLAYER. I was so played. I ticked yes, I’ll give him a chance, but know that he is a player and not interested in someone shy, innocent, but sexy , like me.
Another guy I remembered was a real estate agent who rode motorbikes. He seemed shy but I felt there was a lot of substance behind him and gave him a shot.
One of the other borderline choices was an older guy who works in a law firm. He seemed like a wanker at first and talked about how he liked to paint, but he was very interested in my travel stories. I chose yes because, why not?
There was a couple of other guys who didn’t really stand out, but i chose yes because they deserved a chance to get to know me better.
A couple of guys freaked on my having a mechanical engineering degree. Wow, who knew that would be a topic of conversation, I guess I am nowhere near a normal Sydney girl. I forget how not normal I am.
I guess I wait and see if I have any matches, then decide on whether or not I date them.
Live. Life.
In January I started dental work on a Root Canal and was told it would take 4+ appointments to complete. Mid- treatment I was eating a biscuit on a Qantas flight when the weakened tooth broke, thus advancing the Root Canal to a Crown.
Due to various reasons, mostly a very popular and difficult to get an appointment with Dentist, only next week will see the completion of work on that tooth (Jan to Jun, wow).
So, guess what happened? I was eating almonds on Sunday when I suddenly feel a hard bit in my mouth… Another tooth has broken… So, next week, when I should be finishing all dental work on one tooth, dental work will start on a completely different tooth. Ugh.
I passed my 1st certification exam easily and enrolled in the 2nd subject. The subject is interesting but I have not started any additional study yet, I think it is no problem yet, but I will need to start a study routine soon.
In dating news, I am still messaging “Mike”. I turned up for a hypothetical date at the time and location he specified, only to see that it was only a hypothetical for him so he didn’t show at all… In the past week I SMSed him and returned a call, I think we shall meet in person soon. Also, in approximately a week, I have my first speed dating session. I am thinking about what to wear for both scenarios, and feeling positive about the excitement of it all.
The planning on the Europe trip is going well, we will book car hire and possibly high speed trains this week.
I just watched a wedding from season 13 of ER and they para-quoted this poem in their wedding vows:
I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
When you are a long term virgin, you eventually realise that your romantic fantasies may never ever occur, that you may spend your entire life an eternal spinster. So, if this is not what you want. you take risks that are completely out of character, purely to rid yourself of this curse of virginity.
I have previously read the blog a female virgin who lost her virginity to a roadie. I guess this is not so extraordinary except that that the female was a 30yo virgin lawyer and she hooked up with and consequently started living with that roadie… A female lawyer with a male roadie…
And so it comes to the point where I have met someone online and I need to decide what to do. Do I treat this as a learning experience, where I forgo all my previous moral judgments, ignore any of his character faults, purely because I want to lose my full virginity once and for all and learn how to have sex? Or do I hold out for this mythical, fantastical, perfect prince charming who will ask me to marry him, when I know in all perfect reasonaly reality that this person will never exist…
All I know is that life is short and, at this stage, I need to experience rather than wait.
I think I just invited a guy on a date. This Friday to be exact. Although I am somewhat naive when it comes to men and dating, I think I am in the right headspace mentally where I feel in control and comfortable, and therefore this is the right thing to do. He has been IMing me for awhile and I thought, to hell with it all, I will throw caution to the wind and invite him on a date!
The ball is in my court but I have nothing to lose, everything is a learning experience.
I had an interesting moment at therapy last week, I talked about how I self sabotaged things, like my weight loss, how I cling to being average and invisible (and mildly chubby) rather than embracing being head turning. I have lost weight, my co-workers have noticed it and my figure has vastly improved, but I deny it rather than embrace it.
Just today we went for a midday walk during work lunch hour and a good looking roofer stopped his job to look my way. I saw him do it but I blocked it, looked away and tried to ignore it, until my co-worker mentioned directly that he was checking me out.
Emrace your sexiness girl, don’t hide it!
